Teen Idol #2

My heart belongs to Kelly Kapowski.

Now, then, always.

Advice #5

When the day runs
in the opposite direction
to the one you hoped it would
bear in mind
that soon
it will be your past
and you'll almost undoubtedly
remember none of it.

Teen Idol #1

I've started a new series of paintings called 'Teen Idols'.

I'm going to paint a bunch of teen idols from the 1980s and 1990s. It seemed to make sense to start with Judd Nelson aka John Bender from the film 'The Breakfast Club'.

And so I did.  

All that we can take from endings we must take

It has become clearer
since more days have collected behind us
that distance isn't promised,
nor can it be earned.
Though,
with my thoughts willing me forward
I'll carry on regardless,
knowing it is the only choice
any of us really have.

I came face to face with a large, black rhino

I came face to face with a large, black rhino and stood,
with my eyes fixed on his,
as though we were no different at all,
and in doing so
I came to know for certain
that we were both built
with the same hands
and that the same heart beats in us both
no matter where in the world
we walk.

Oprah told me to

I've finally decided to listen to what Oprah has been telling me. I made a poster as a constant reminder.

Prints available.

Against my better judgement I sit and wait for night as though resolution will come with the sunrise

I cannot be happy for you
knowing that I lived half a life,
like a bird who walked to ocean
and never felt sky beneath him. 

Whilst you and I
are the same below skin,
mine is no thicker than paper
and serves me well
only some of the time.

And so today,
I cannot be happy for you
and it is a problem
for which I have no solution
no matter how long I consider it.

When I am lost, a print

I've decided that I'm going to start making prints again.
This is my first foray back there.
I like to make tiny reminders for people that I need them, no matter where I am.

Prints are available if you like that too. Send me an email.

I have made a promise to you, illustrated

Busy making change

Too preoccupied
making things better
it almost went unnoticed
that the world kept turning
in the mean while.

Lunch

I didn't notice
that you looked at me
in a manner that suggested
I wasn't merely in your way
and that in fact you would perhaps
like me to be more in your way,
but apparently you did,
and I think that's
pretty cool.

Full of an idea of what tomorrow is

I had not before thought of the sun
as a ball of fire,
nor considered the wreckage
it would leave
if it fell,
red and molten,
from where it sat
into the playground
as we walked
and ran
and went about our day to day.

A door has closed

I listened to her on the radio
and hoped each word wasn't her last,
knowing already it was only borrowed time
and it had past already.

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It was the way warm air smelled,
as we stood inside night sky
so paper thin I swear
I could've torn fingers clear through it,
that made behind my eyes fill up with water
until I could do nothing
but surrender myself to the minutes
until each one was over.

I have made a promise to you

Then,
I had fallen out of time,
walking without direction about my days
inside portraits that didn't fit and
amongst those whose blackness
wrapped tight around my eyes
so light was lost.

You
are my champion

and I am reminded
that with us, no blackness is unending,
and I am more when we are two.
I have found strength stood in your shadow
and whatever you cannot do,
I will.
You have given to me happiness.

It was a happiness I could not find alone.

Though I hadn't been ready the seasons changed until ten were gone

I had sat
and watched
as each of their faces
became part of mine
and felt my inside change
as their days did.
Goodbye clung desperate
to the inside of my mouth
hoping if it held tight enough
I wouldn't let it go
but it was all that was left
and holding on to it
only made me heavier.

I will try and sing loud enough for her when quiet is too frightening a concept

She sang songs
and told stories I didn't know
so I wouldn't see that I was stuck
halfway between walls that had been there
longer than I had been afraid of them,
and walked me upwards
towards blue space
that I could fit inside a thousand times over,
until it was clear that with her
I needed only to keep walking
towards the promise of sky
and light
again.  

I carved holes with my hands big enough to sit inside and wait

It was only when I noticed
that the ground hadn't moved
though you spoke to me
as you had so many times before,
that I knew it made little sense now
and what was,
was done.

Two portraits

It takes only a momentary shift to change the eyes with which you see the world

I had begun to see
that I was a small,
tiny piece
that would never meet every person
or hear each language spoken first hand
and it didn't trouble me
for as long as anticipated.

Good for nothing type of brother

Too difficult to eloquently explain anything
when Destiny's Child lyrics
are running like rapid waters
through my head
leaving me to mistakenly believe
I am a black woman with attitude enough
to level a tower block.

Around the same time

I sat next to a man
who had hands the same as yours
and watched as he wrote long curling words
onto the side of a receipt
that he had pulled from the inside pocket of his jacket.

HELP ME FIND HIM, I'M BEGGING YOU

www.someoneintheworldislookingforyou.blogspot.co.uk

I am a Scientist of your face

I have spent too often
drawing lines on your face
in a scientific sort of way
in order to study it
more accurately
and work out exactly why
I absolutely cannot
stop looking at it
even when I bother to try.

I had wished it before but today it felt real like I had remembered for the first time

My presence had only been bought to her attention
by the clicking of my camera and
though it felt important to stay part of the furniture
I felt my face blush red as she looked to where I stood,
young and unaware of how my body moved.
I could do little to dissuade her gaze and so I smiled
and fixed my eyes on a painting hung on the wall behind her.
I'm sure it was a famous print but I couldn't say for sure.
If I wasn't entirely convinced that my voice had long since left my body
I would have attempted to start a conversation
but as it was I could do little more than stop my body from betraying me
as it shook at the reality of her,
being there,
being herself,
as the light outside began leaving the sky.

As her eyes filled with water that drowned all living things

I never would have held her hand
if I hadn't thought I could walk along side her
through days that made a big picture
too hard to see.
From then on she had occured to me differently and,
careful not to translate what her eyes said
into words that could never fully appreciate
what she felt,
I walked,
muted and steadfast,
hoping that in my faith
she would find her own
and could see beyond the grey
to silver again.

Inevitably I was first on my mind

It seemed shallow
to be concerned about how my hair looked
when we sat face to face
over empty bowls
and you spilled secrets that nobody knew
and that you never wanted to tell,
until now.
But I was nonetheless
and I craned my neck to see my reflection
in your glasses as you spoke.

It had only become clear once the lights had gone out

I was wearing a blue t-shirt
when we spoke letters in the dark
as winds blew,
though the night had been mild.
You blew kisses
that dissolved in salty air
before they could reach me
and I counted coins
loose in my pocket.
I had six.

Only I can walk under the weight of my own thoughts

I asked too many questions
and ran like prey from answers.

Fell asleep with my head in the space your body made,
staring at statues.

Drew a tomorrow with your fingers.

I would never leave you standing
and I envy you.