Weekend

We are going to laugh as hard
as the photograph
and hold hands a little
and maybe skip through green
and drink coffees
made of soy
and talk in puns
and act obnoxiously for no reason
and call each other names
that we only mean a little bit
and eat biscuits in bed
even though
eating biscuits in bed is gross,
and probably unhygienic
by some standards,
and dance for a while
in the kitchen
whilst dinner is cooking
and go to galleries
that cost no money
in top knots
and cardigans
and high tops
and each day will fall in love with us
and will be envious of the next
and we'll have one another in each
as we do always
but for a while
we'll live in each others pockets
and it will be fucking rad.

Idea #1

I have decided to stand here
with a flower in my hair
and a banner in my hands
held high above my head
which reads
'I am here'
cos you seem to be having trouble
finding me
and I want to help move this on
a little
if I can.

Cycle

I am losing my breath
face down in shallow waters
that I cannot find my way out of
and though
the water is not endless
it is deep enough
to be mightier than I
and its grip on me is tighter
than the grip I have on any bid
for freedom.
It is not new
but it is now
and I will wait
breathless
until the water freezes
with the night air
and melts away
with the sunrise
tomorrow.

A tiny change of mind

I am going to walk
through each day
from now
with my arms open
and my eyes open
knowing full well
that opportunity
multiplies
when you are ready
to receive it.

You were there

I dreamt of you
then
and I'm thinking
about you
now
and my mind is gone
because there is nothing
inside of it
but your face
and the sounds you make
when you laugh
and I want to hold your hands
as you tell me the things
you told me
whilst I slept
and you didn't know
you were there.

Things instead of other things that are probably better

I've spent my day
putting whole pink wafers
in my mouth
and singing Janet Jackson's
'Nasty'
whilst wearing a high visibility vest
and drawing felt tip hearts
on the back of a photocopy
of Marilyn Monroe
reading a book
that's bigger than her face,
when all I wanted
was to hear from you
and to start
a new conversation.

What I know for sure

If I met the me
I was in
nineteen
ninety
four
and had a moment
to tell him everything
I had learned
in the years
since being him
and becoming me
I would waste
most of that time
being distracted
by the fact that
nineteen
ninety
four
me
was wearing
shorts
over his
trousers.

Not long now

When you are back
I'm going to hold
your head
between
my hands
until Carrie
lulls us into sleep
and we wake up
to pancakes
and days
filled with empty hours
for us to do with
as we please.

You are only an ocean away
but I wish you weren't.

Only if you're staying

Do you notice when I'm sad?
Or do I play the same part
in your day to day?
A constant drip of water
that never collects
anywhere.
I miss you
and
there is nothing to run from,
still I can't sit
until you leave
if you're going to.
There is war
and
there is peace,
both of which are two sides
of the same coin
and will each come eventually
for a while at least.
I won't make a home in either.
I don't see how I can.

Advice #3

It is big
when you realise
that you are not seperate
from the one thing
that you imagine
to be holding you back
and that
you can take steps forward
in spite of it
instead of trying to
leave it behind.

What I found after

I hold up an empty glass
and toast to you
in a room that is empty
save for the pieces of you
that you left behind
when you ran away.
I was never all that you wanted
in spite of being
everything that I am
and 'thank you'
is the only thing
I can think of to say.

Dear Reader, I need your help

If, for any reason, you are even the slightest bit invested in how successfully I live my life please fill in this tiny form on your computer somehow and email me your answers to thomkofoed@ymail.com
I'm trying as hard as my mind will let me and I need your help because I don't know what else there is left to do.

                                  

A truth

My shoulders won't hang evenly
at the top of my back
and the rest of my body
is heavy with a grief
that I never recognised
until all the windows closed
and we were face to face.
My face feels differently in my hands
than it did in yours
and solitude was unwelcome
but uninterested as
it sat and told me
that its all about courage
and nothing about drive.
I'm not always sure
I have either and
I want to climb down from here
and light a candle
for each person I thought I would become
but was too weak to find the gap
between him and him
to try any harder than I did.
I am not miserable,
I am frightened
and consumed by it
entirely.

You and me

When you made life
seem straight forward
and it was clear
that there was only
one way to keep going
and that fear
was a waste of energy
and nothing else.

I expected nothing
and you gave me everything.

It was then that I realised

I want to be your champion
and breathed easy
along side you.

I don't want to be without you

As the space
between each heartbeat
widens,
and everything else slows down,
a stubborn reality
replaces your mouth
and reminds me
that my bed is empty
and my eyes
aren't seeing you
and I may as well have no sight at all
if I can't fill the gaps
with pictures
of your stomach
against my back
and your arms
around my arms
as we lay there
and you told me
that then was all you needed
and that I am your universe.

If I was brave you would love me attempt number three, illustrated

Advice #2

Perhaps I'll ride a bicycle
to the edge of the sea
and count upwards
as the waves
come ever closer
and then slink away again
to see if anything
changes at all
in the time inbetween.

I am living
and sometimes
that is enough.

The course we're on

Understand
that it is yours now
because
everything has changed
and I cannot count backwards
until its the beginning again.
I am not alright
and I am fine
and there is
nothing else to be done.

Not to be that guy, but

I have drawn her face
more than once
on a piece of paper
the size of two hands
each time changing
the size of her eyes
until they're so big
they can see all of me
in one go
and nothing else.

She's my
best friend.
I can't wait til she finds out.

Taxi for one

For Scott and Charlene, then, now, for always

It is something
to be celebrated
that you remained
covered by a love
that nobody believed in
but that grew exponentially
until even the most
cynical
amongst us
knew
that what you had
was worth more
than what you would lose
by trying
and we danced
along side you both
until days
turned into
years
and we were left celebrating
the only thing
that endured the time
between
then
and
now.