Almost certainly the only reason

I have drawn peace signs
onto the tips of my fingers
and pressed my hands hard
into the ground
in hopes that the earth
will turn more slowly
and that sunlight will
fill my eyes
if only
for a little while
longer.
I don't want
to be scared
and all I
need
is
time.
I'm sure
that's all it is
and I want you
to believe me.

Far from the start

In the end
I will dance
and wave
and wave
goodbye
as yet another train
takes you
some place else
away
from where I am
and I
will smile
and my eyes
will smile
and it won't be
because
you are leaving
but
because
you will be
coming back
and I can't be blue
knowing that
there is
that.

I am nowhere else

There are more
than a thousand steps
that seperate
where you are
from where I am
and
once in a while
we fall into
minutes made up
of matter
that
doesn't matter.
But
it is nothing
built upon
nothing
and I am here
and you are never alone
even
when the thousand steps
seem more
than anything else
and your eyes
see only empty.

Friday 24th

I drove one way
you drove the other
and I saw you
and my heart stopped
and your car stopped
and my car stopped
and there was a second
when I thought
that maybe you being there
and me being there
meant that maybe
you wanted to be there
as much as
I wanted you to be there
and for that second
I lived inside
another Friday
when this
wouldn't be the highlight,
only
the
beginning.

When we are strong

I'm not sure I'm strong
enough
and I'm losing my patience
and I'm waiting for you
to be here,
to really be here
and to want to build
something
in the place that we're standing.
Here
together
with what we've got already
and what we'll have if we try.
I'll colour you in
and you can colour me in
and we'll run
orange
and
red
and
blue
and
be sure
that your hand
belongs in my hand
and that is all.

Climbing nowhere

I woke up,
climbed out of bed,
cleaned my teeth,
ate toast,
drank milk,
climbed into my car,
sat behind glass
covered in rain,
drove towards a day
that would mean less
to me
than it should,
arrived,
climbed up stairs,
walked to my chair,
sat in my chair,
ate a biscuit,
closed my eyes,
imagined myself someplace else
and tried to remember
that this is not forever.

This is not forever.
This is not forever.
This is not forever.

For Julie and Ethan

I cannot shake the feeling
that I should be
walking the streets
of Vienna
wearing a hat
and eating pastries
wrapped in bags
made of paper
listening to men
playing the music
that European men play
whilst drinking beer
from bottles
made of glass
and sitting
in cafes
asking why
I never
came here
sooner.

Bedtime

That night
I spoke only of you
and fell asleep
with your name inside my mouth,
liberated
by the promise of us
and the knowledge that
it is more
to be certain of something
than to live inside skin and bones
knowing only
that you don't know
and you never did.

What I can do

I want to take
everything I have ever written
about us
and
for you
and sew each word onto a quilt
that you can lay inside
and under
when I am not there
so that you would not be
without me
even when
I was far away
waiting
for morning to come.

Sideshow

I have listened
to one song
for four days
and fallen inside
music sung by many
but only to me.
I have allowed
the sounds
to take me from
a place I shouldn't be
into a future that
could be
and have ridden
on coattails
of those who
were brave enough
to try.
And with the words
held tight in my hands
I will march
towards them all
and join the ranks
of those
who are living
the best of themselves
and will become
it
eternally.

If I had my way, illustrated

A roundabout way

I have
nothing to write
because there is only you
and I am talking to myself
hoping to find where you are
in the words
all the while knowing
that I never will
and that my attempts
are fruitless
and will continue to be so
until I am
where you are
and can end my search
by your side.

Made up of two

If I was
one
made up of two
and took steps
in unison
with another,
there would be no night
that
stretched too long
into morning
and no silence
that rendered me fearful
of living.

And
if I was lucky enough
to be
one
made up of two
with the other
being who you show the world,
I would wrap my heart
in your hands
and beat in time
with the beat
of yours.

And with each beat
I would fall further into an us
that made
being only one
the only thing
worth being
and would know
that truth exists
when one
sees the world
made up of two.

Not for one more day

I have forgiven myself
for seeing only one thing
for most of the time
and feel light again
and breathe easy
as I step
through each day,
knowing that it was you
and not I
who lived
without an open heart
and continues to do so
without me.

In the darkness, light

We cried for different reasons
that day,
surrounded
by misinterpretations
of weeks spent
in each others hands,
and then lingered there
until each candle had been blown out
and the light
was replaced
by black.
And in that darkness
your intentions became clear
and a line was drawn
beneath
who you were
and
who I thought you to be,
neither of which
were enough.

For Bea

Another door closed
on a past
that I was never a part of
and I am on the outside again
clasping onto anything
that is reminiscent
of a history
that is not my own.

And though
it never could have been
and never was
I woke up each morning
and danced
steps that
you danced
until the music stopped
and I was on my own
standing
where you stood
without you.

In the end, the beginning

There is nothing to prove
and nothing to gain from trying
because when there is
it
there is only space
everywhere else.
I fell
and do not want to get up
because
you fell beside me
and laid here
waiting for morning,
which is almost
forever
away.

It would

If ever there was a day
when the distance between us
seemed too great
and the hours too long
and the yesterdays
when you and I
were all there was
to consider
too far past
it would be today.

One single step forward
without you
seems too far
and yet
there is nothing left to do
but to keep walking
regardless.

Now it is

If you know better
and do nothing
then you are no more
than the very least of you.

And you never tried.

And now,
all I see
when you are there
is a darkness
that I didn't know
lived inside of you
and nothing else.

And it is done.

Somebody new to envy

I want what he has.
What he recorded and wrote
and walked through
each day
until night became all there was
to think about.
I want to take off my skin
and climb inside his skin
and see
minutes
the way he sees
minutes
and speak
with the sounds in my voice
that make him seem
alive
in my now and not
across ocean
and sky.
I want what he has
because what I have
isn't enough
to stop me thinking
about why he seems
to smile more often
than I do
and why what he
recorded
and wrote
and walked through
means more
to the world
than a thousand
of my days.
I want what he has
and what he sees
and I want it
today.

Even though

Because you are there
and I am here
and tonight won't match
what has come before
we should stop
when daylight
disappears from the sky
and stand,
you there
and me here,
to look at the moon.
Knowing that
you are there
and I am here
and we are doing
what each other
is doing
makes
even the longest day
away from you
nothing
but a
drop
in
the
ocean.

And

You have become more
than the sum of your parts
and I am less than mine.

And so the power has shifted.

And the days are different than they were.

And the ground on which we stood
has crumbled and become uneven
and I am looking up to you
and you have no choice
but to look down on me.

And still we walk.

And still we are together.

And still there is us.