This is my latest entry for creaturemag. Last week I had a few days when I was questioning the direction my life was taking, doubting whether I had the tools to build a successful life for myself. It all came to a head when I text Katy saying ‘I don’t know how to exist in this world’ and, whilst that sounded like a suicide note, it opened up the flood gates for me to reassess how I feel about the energy I put out into the world. This poem is what manifested from those days.
‘I think I would be better served with the elephants'
is something I thought today,
and yesterday and some times before.
I'm not sure I know how to exist in this world
and no matter how dramatic it sounds I know it to be true.
The rain falls too hard
and I don’t know which way to turn my head.
Thelma and Louise bleeds from the television
and I want them to drive into the gap between the two sides
because here doesn't understand how their minds worked
and anything but the gap between the two sides would be
wrong.
Thinking about the elephants, I touch the ground with my hands
wondering how they feel the earth as they move across it.
When one of them dies they visit the spot year after year
to mourn and to remember,
Saying everything they need to say without the words I take
for granted.
They stand and they wait.
'They would understand me'
I say inside my head as my hands sweep the ground.
The thought makes me self-conscious and so I erase it,
leaving only a faint mark behind-
I don't want to lose it entirely
because today I don't know how to exist in this world
and the elephants are making me forget.
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