Monday, September 30, 2013
Hastings Online Times
I have started contributing to the Hastings Online Times and my first two stories are now live. The first is called "This town that is my soil" and can be read here.
"The tide is heavy today and it looks like a tongue and the sky is the roof of a mouth and the town that seems so tiny now because I am twenty-six is going to be swallowed, I’m sure of it. I imagine it not being here. I imagine a hole in its place, a bite mark on a map, the concave of a rock that recognises my back and me, alone with a past that doesn’t exist anymore."
The second, "When we go back to the sea" can be read here.
We stop near the pier and you run across the road and I’m behind you, walking cautiously. It is dark and the sea is a still, black velvet blanket and the stones are just sounds under our feet. We walk beneath the scorched frame because you want to show me the silhouette made by the moon and it’s beautiful and I’m not scared though I hear people in the blackness. You put your arms around my shoulders and they are warm and porous and sip up my cold.
Perhaps you could read them and if you see me in the street some time you might let me know what you think of it all.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Invisible Lines, part three
Our third
painting from the works of Edward Hopper, selected by Rob, is Summer Evening,
1947. Our three stories are below.
I am so sick
of this. I feel like I rarely manage to contribute anything and gain even less.
It’s as though, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much care or thought I
put into every interaction, always establishing a common interest in
conversation, remembering facts about others, inquiring into their happiness
and just being plain old polite. I am always left lonesome, riddled with
self-humiliation, wondering why I even bother, and would anyone notice if I was
no longer here. It’s as though, without my input, without my asking or making
the first move with those I meet, I would be forever stood in silence. Those
around me are always exchanging interest in each other’s lives, but never with
me. I am always the one asking, never being asked. This feeling of un-want, of
neglect, has always been brushed aside, sheltered in my subconscious by other
permutations of frustration at myself and my thoughts. Convincing myself that I
read too far into what those around me think; inventing this reality of
neglectful interactions by way of coping with, no....not coping with, heeding
an inherent lack of self-worth, juxtaposed with paranoia. I am so sick of this.
I could
return to the nullified seclusion of a former dependency, sticking pins in
everywhere possible, until the only hole remaining screams and chokes as I take
the plunge into a concrete shoed nothingness, in amongst the reed coated bed of
a forgotten river: the water of which we skimmed stones and kissed in the long
grass, many eons ago. You would watch and pay little notice to my demise, with
the silent stare you hold at me now. Of all the introverted bitterness
surrounding you I have never felt, then ultimately known, how to hate so
strong. Segregated from a passion of the past, I find myself at a wits end when
in a constant head hung stance of unjustified guilt in your presence. Why do
you plague me with such cold contempt? When did you change? When did the
smiling, dancing laughter of our love dissolve into a drawn grey grimace of an
empty mind? I mean nothing to you now, is that right? Is that it? If so then
why do you keep me here, a prisoner in my own life?
Free me,
Jailor! Free me from this husk of an aged unity, I shall walk from this veranda
and merge into the darkness yonder, taking the faceless fruit of our passions
with me as I seek an end in the encroaching black of the wild outside. May the
memory of your neglect burden you as the unkindness you dealt to me burdens the
hope we had in the unborn. I sincerely hope your hate is justified for thee,
justified in your view by the denying of a life, a life that we seeded but
never bloomed. You never wanted it anyway did you, and now it can never happen.
Who gives you the right? And why do I still sit here being hatefully ignored,
in this deafening silence?
Summer
Evening
Katy Park
He is not
coming home. I lay on the floor and I wait for him. I imagine the door
slamming, once and once again. I plan to be busy as he walks in, and think of
various poses and activities that will prevent him from seeing that I am
waiting. I practice laying in different places. I play with the child. I sing
and I stare at the crisp linen ceiling. I am an imitation of a life, pretending
and waiting. He is not coming home.
As the day
turns blue with night, I find myself outside. Standing and breathing the air -
a believable enough occupation on a night so smooth and silent. I lean against
the wood and imagine I can feel the years it spent as a tree pressing into my
back like fingertips. I ask it to stop.
He is
standing next to me.
Summer
Evening
Thom Kofoed
“I can’t
believe Fran is being like this.“ she said and then paused and looked across at
me. In the silence I realised that I hadn’t been listening since she had told
me about her dog and the time up at the lake by Billy’s old place, and now she
was talking about Fran and swirling a number eight into the dust on the porch
with her foot.
Fran with
the birthmark on the tip of her elbow.
Fran with
her tiny shoes.
Fran the
girl I had kissed once, between Spring and Summer as fireworks banged and
sizzled and swished. The girl who pulled away and put her hand on her mouth.
The girl who giggled and twisted her orange hair around her fingers and said
“You’re quite something,” and then “you really, really are.”
June was
still looking across at me, her face made up of triangles and squares, and I
jumped upon the first thing I could think of and said “It isn’t your fault,
June” and her face softened and became a circle in the moonlight.
The porch
light flickered and then stopped and two moths fizzed in its heat. She smiled a
half smile across one side of her face and looked down at the eight on the
floor. She didn’t speak. I supposed I had said the right thing so followed it up
with “You’re a good kid, June” and patted her leg; a physical full stop, a lid,
a line drawn underneath.
She scooted
backwards on the porch wall and tucked her hands underneath her thighs and I
scuttled away and sat down on the porch step beneath the empty bowl sky. I
could feel her loneliness like an animal behind me, felt its breath low and
heavy on my neck, and I adjusted my collar and scratched at my head. June began
to whistle and the noise sounded alien amongst the trees. They sat still inside
the evening as if they had been replaced by photographs. The whole night was a
picture torn from a catalogue, a postcard, a scene from the back of a cereal
box. It was real and imagined and June felt familiar and new all at once.
Somewhere behind the house I heard a car backfire once and then twice and she
whispered "She isn't yours to fix, June" as she kicked through the
dust and made a tiny tornado with her feet.
Friday, September 06, 2013
Invisible Lines, part two
Thom
Kofoed
End of
day
His wife was
dying.
The sky was
turning pink to violet to grey and his wife was dying. He put the coins into his pocket and wiped his oil slicked hands down his overalls. They had been a brilliant blue once but now they were streaked black, days and weeks and months and years painted across his chest.
The wind sighed and took a struggling breath behind him and Eddie coughed and spluttered like an engine and weaved the chain through the door handles and buckled the padlock and shook it three times. A light shone from inside the building and cast a shadow onto the gravel that looked like a Cathedral. The trees whispered and then shouted.
He heard music as he pulled into the driveway; Irving Berlin or Cole Porter or someone. His wife was singing and stirring a pot of something and the sounds and the smells tumbled out of the open window. He felt a lump rise in his throat. She was singing. Even now.
He threw his keys down onto the sideboard and sat on the stair, untying his boots as if untying a corset, each movement gentle and caressing. Slow.
His wife swished through the kitchen door and into the hallway with one hand above her head and the other across her stomach; her dance partner an invisible man. She looked at Eddie and pirouetted on the spot. It made him dizzy. Fred Astaire wouldn’t be dizzy, he thought; a pang of guilt like a punch in his stomach as Judy Garland sang through the open door, her voice heavy with woe.
She pointed at Eddie’s feet and then at his face and danced over to where he sat and grabbed at his hands and pulled and he was a dead weight and she pulled and he was a dead weight and she pulled and he was a dead weight. She made a face like a small girl and he buckled and stood up and they held hands above their heads and wrapped around each other and she laid her head against his chest and they swayed from one foot to the other and back again.
“It only happens when I dance with you” sang Judy, sang Eddie, sang his wife; their voices filling the room like vapour and then disappearing.
Robert
Dennard
To the
local’s in the neighbouring towns and villages, from all corners of the forest,
he was somewhat of a household name, though nobody could ever decide on what
his name actually was. None could settle on one, even told from the same
tongues his title changed as often as the moon moves the tide it would. Jackson
or Jimmy, Old Tom, Gareth at the gas station, Mickey or Mervin, Paul, Peter,
Pat even Pablo – which was still feasible, in our highly integrated modern
society, but realistically, his years rendered it unlikely. Some said Stu or
Sal, Oscar, Richard, Dickie, Dustin or William from way down yonder; the list
goes on, but for you, dear reader, it matters not. The Old Man at the gas
station cares not for your title, or what others name him. For he is content,
sweeping the dust from the front step, the fortnightly polishing of the
nozzles, organising stock and making orders, which sadly gets more and more
difficult for the old boy by the day. His mind isn’t as keen as it once was; he
makes mistakes. Along with that his legs are bowed and his back crooked. His
hair has thinned, leaving a sparse grey halo round a peeling and sunburnt
scalp. The unrelenting heat pierces into his energy more easily as he no longer
has the head of hair to shield him, thus sometimes leaving him dizzy and
exhausted. Nowadays, when he looks eastward along the road, he can just make
out the green channel of the woodlands tapering down into a dark indistinct
hollow over looked by a blurred blue sky. Nowadays his hearing is muffled so
that once he hears a passing vehicle, all he can register is the dust it leaves
behind in his lungs, and the fading tail-lights as it heads into the forest.
Nowadays he often forgets things, and under orders stock, leaving the odd empty
row here or there in his refrigerators or on the wooden shelves in the shop –
shelves, might I add, he built with his own two hands, even after they’d
started to succumb to arthritic kinks in the knuckles, like that of an ancient
trees roots. This makes him angry as he has always taken pride in his work and
can’t suffer insubordination. All throughout his long years, in all the various
and exciting jobs he’s had, he has always done so with the upmost care and
attentiveness; good old fashioned pride in the work place, stemmed from his
working class roots down in Dixie.
The
last few days leading up to this one have been, to any onlookers, absent as
they might be, entirely repetitive; though to the Old Man who runs the gas
station, he has started each with a vital new task every morning.
“My O my” he says walking out to
the pumps, “Those nozzles need a right good polish; I haven’t done them in
weeks.” Hobbling back out into the September haze, after fetching his polish
and cloth, one thing puzzles the Old Man: how can he be running so low on
polish? He’d only used it once, months ago. It’s as though it was used
yesterday. Even the lid was slightly loose and as any good worker knows, if the
lid of any tin has been left on for a good long while, it’s a right chore to
prise it off. But the Old Man’s feeble arthritic grip managed to pop the lid
off no problem, none whatsoever, which he wasn’t expecting. And even queerer was that, though they had
not to his mind, been cleaned in so long, the pumps nozzles shined up something
wonderful, after barely touching them with the cloth.
“How odd?” the Old Man thought as
the humid air and sun’s strength bore down upon him, causing dizziness and a
sudden nausea. A sharp pain stabbed him in the chest, as if his heart were now
a pin cushion for hot pokers. This is a
very odd morning the Old Man finally thought as a near empty tin of polish
fell to the floor, gently followed by the flutter of a dust cloth which had
been used daily for the last few weeks; “very
odd indeed!”
But at least the sun was shining
on that morn, and it shines still. Rather a lot in this area of the state.
Harmful to productivity or not, the weather is always beautiful down in
Dixieland. What a beautiful day to leave a business. Left untouched until the
lawyers can find another poor sucker to run a gas station, in such an ill
advised location, with its former owner now buried in the yard behind the shop.
Katy Park
This place
is a fucking waste of time. My hands press and screw and hang useless. Screw
loose. I'm done with it. How can anyone get past the mundane humiliation of
walking, talking, shitting, fucking. People that say they have are lying.
I had an idea once. A great fucking idea that I liked and wanted and gave a shit about. Ideas mean nothing unless other people think they do. I'd buy a giant ship in a bottle if I had a million bucks.
I have this recurring dream that there's a fire big enough that it burns through safes, leaves the sea an ash map with curled edges, doesn't stop until everything is dust and fucking grey.
I read a book about 'mindfulness' once. Some American bullshit. It's all about learning how to make your mind aware and focused on the present moment, not letting reality slip by unnoticed. I hate it. I hate that we are born with such inept mechanisms in our minds and no way of knowing how to deal with any of this. Joy is something I scrape from the dirty fucking windows I can't see through.
I think I've worked it out though. The point of everything. Fuel. Fuel, consumption and emptiness.
It's not all bad though. I really love my cat. His dumb face makes me smile.
I had an idea once. A great fucking idea that I liked and wanted and gave a shit about. Ideas mean nothing unless other people think they do. I'd buy a giant ship in a bottle if I had a million bucks.
I have this recurring dream that there's a fire big enough that it burns through safes, leaves the sea an ash map with curled edges, doesn't stop until everything is dust and fucking grey.
I read a book about 'mindfulness' once. Some American bullshit. It's all about learning how to make your mind aware and focused on the present moment, not letting reality slip by unnoticed. I hate it. I hate that we are born with such inept mechanisms in our minds and no way of knowing how to deal with any of this. Joy is something I scrape from the dirty fucking windows I can't see through.
I think I've worked it out though. The point of everything. Fuel. Fuel, consumption and emptiness.
It's not all bad though. I really love my cat. His dumb face makes me smile.